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Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude.
Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty. Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. Adoption: Growing in Mommy’s heart, not in her tummy. Affluenza: The epidemic of shopping, overwork, stress and debt infecting America. A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test. Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into... Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble. Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art; 3. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad. Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments. Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.” Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants. Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens. Bid Opening: Apoker game in which the losing hand wins. Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Acting is all about honesty - if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”; 6. Administratium: Another of the heaviest elements known to man (see also Governmentium). That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking; 2. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one’s train of thought. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like. A trait that gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet; 16. Coverage: To pretend to be older or younger than you are.
Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy. Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression.
Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use. Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.
A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted. Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship. Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.” Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly. Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company. Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee. Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made. AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front. Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is. Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. Blinky-Eyed: How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call. Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes. Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up. Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. Copyright Defined Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head. A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam. Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks. Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Bubblegum: Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4.